Girls' Night In
by kaligoddess
Summary: Raiden decides the kombatants need a little bonding time...
1. Default Chapter

Author's Notes: This is an exercise in pure silliness. The characters are most definitely out of character, but that's not entirely done by accident. BTW, the characterization of Rayden is taken from the movies/shows.  
  
***  
  
It was 2 am, and Sonya Blade couldn't believe the past six hours had happened. It all started when the thunder god, Rayden, had informed the champions of Mortal Kombats past of a new threat, the Dragon King. While nothing could be directly done to protect Earth, Rayden had decided the champions needed to learn to work better as a term. He had separated them by sex, then sent them off to bond, and that was show Sonya found herself drinking coffee in her apartment with a ten thousand year old princess, the princess' childhood friend, and a very arrogant ice ninja. Somehow she couldn't help but feel Rayden was secretly watching \the whole scene and laughing his immortal ass.  
  
Princess Kitana stirred her coffee dejectedly, and the sound of the metal on ceramic was jarring in the silence. Sonya felt compelled to say something. "You don't like coffee?"  
  
Kitana dumped two more spoonfuls of sugar into her cup, "I don't like bitter things."  
  
Sonya nodded. "Me either, really, but I learned to drink it because it was great date getting material. Very few people would refuse a cup of coffee."  
  
Both Kitana and Jade were looking at her with interest, so Sonya continued, "You can make all sorts of sexual metaphors with coffee too, like 'I like my men and coffee hot and strong and . uh.'"  
  
"Black?" Frost offered with a gleam in her eye.  
  
Sonya puffed up a bit at that. People were always making pointed comments about the presumed relationship between her and Jax. It normally didn't bother her, but coming from that frigid bitch. "I suppose you prefer yours light, sweet, and on ice then?" Sonya asked.  
  
Kitana coughed to cover up a laugh as Sonya and Frost tried to stare each other down. "Now, now ladies, we're supposed to be bonding. We shouldn't be making fun of each other."  
  
"You're just lucky I have too much respect for the dead to start with you," Sonya said, before Jade interrupted with her version of Liu Kang's famous battle cry, whereupon Sonya laughed so hard she couldn't breathe.  
  
Jade ignored the nasty look Kitana shot her, and said, "I don't know about you, but if I heard that in bed it would be all over."  
  
Kitana was blushing slightly, and Jade decided to press the issue, "He didn't did he?" Kitana was not a bright scarlet, and she chose to try and deflect attention away from herself.  
  
"I wouldn't know," Kitana answered. "Does Kung Lao where his hat in the bedroom?" she asked Jade.  
  
Frost nearly choked on her (iced) coffee. "What is with you people and monks?"  
  
"I wouldn't be talking," Jade told her. "What else can your sifu turn to ice?"  
  
The temperature dropped noticeably in the room as Frost turned bright purple, and Sonya smirked to herself. "I think perhaps we should stop this conversation before it gets violent. We don't want Rayden to think we need more bonding time. I don't want to have to do this again."  
  
No one particularly disagreed with that sentiment, and the subject was rather abruptly dropped. Unfortunately, no one was forthcoming with a new topic, and the girls finished their coffee in an uncomfortable silence.  
  
"This sucks," pronounced Frost, "I haven't been this bored since I was in school."  
  
"We could play a game," Kitana suggested.  
  
"Speaking of things that would end in violence," Sonya said. "We're all too competitive for a friendly game. Besides, everyone knows most games are only fun when you're drunk.." She eyed her comrades.  
  
"I don't drink," Jade and Kitana declared at the same time Frost announced that her sifu wouldn't allow it.  
  
"Oh come on," Sonya pleaded, "It's only for tonight, and if we got drunk enough we might convince Rayden we've bonded. And as for you, Missy," Sonya pointed at Frost, "You're sifu ain't here."  
  
"Fine!" Frost growled, "and don't call me Missy, damnit. If I'm good and plastered I might just blank out the whole mess."  
  
"Well alright," Kitana reluctantly agreed. "If only so this doesn't happen again." Jade immediately agreed once her princess did, and Sonya found herself making a late night beer run, something she hadn't done in at least a decade.  
  
***  
  
The bonding session had moved to the living room, and the girls sat on the couch talking. Things had become much more congenial once they had all consumed five or six beers each. In fact, Sonya couldn't remember what exactly it was that she hadn't liked about her companions. "I love you guys," she told them, wiping away a tear.  
  
"I love you too," Kitana cried, nearly knocking her over with an overly enthusiastic hug.  
  
"Get a room," Frost slurred a bit. "You might make Jade jealous."  
  
"You're just bitter your Subbie isn't here," Jade shot back, shaking her can angrily.  
  
"Ha! I was only sticking around so I could become Grandmaster," Frost slammed her beer onto the table for emphasis. "I was so close, too."  
  
"You almost beat the human Popsicle?" Sonya asked, incredulously.  
  
"No, I froze the bastard, then stole the medallion off his chest," Frost sounded quite pleased with herself.  
  
"So what happened then?" Kitana urged her on.  
  
"Froze myself solid. Apparently I couldn't handle the power," Frost snorted. "Boy did I feel stupid."  
  
"So Subbie forgave you after all that?" Sonya asked. "He must have it bad." She started giggling madly.  
  
"Shut up," Frost threw a pillow at Sonya's head. "Speaking of having it bad, have you seen the poster for Cage's new movie?"  
  
Sonya threw the pillow back at Frost. "There is absolutely nothing going on between us!"  
  
"Sure." Frost grinned.  
  
"Subbie lets you watch that crap?" Kitana commented. "Its practically pornography when it gets to the Sonya/Johnny bits."  
  
"I'm not a kid, damnit," Frost indignantly replied.  
  
"So how old are you?" Jade asked quickly.  
  
"Non of your business!" Frost chucked the pillow full force at Jade's head, knocking her right off her seat.  
  
There were a few moments of tense silence before Jade leaped back over the couch screaming "PILLOW FIGHT!" The pillow fight didn't last long, though, because the participants were not only drunk, but also overtired, resulting in the physical blows turning into verbal ones once again.  
  
"You suck," Sonya announced.  
  
"No, you suck," Frost rebutted.  
  
"No, you suck more," Sonya told her.  
  
"You suck the most," Frost argued.  
  
"Well you suck big, fat, icy c-"  
  
"Sonya!" Kitana interrupted.  
  
"And you such squealy, dead, monk dick" Sonya informed her, "And you suck fashion-sense impaired, ugly-hat obsessed, monk dick."  
  
"What about you?" Jade asked.  
  
"I don't suck," Sonya said proudly.  
  
Frost cocked an eyebrow, and both the princess and her companion started snickering madly. "So what exactly do you do?" Frost asked mischievously.  
  
"I make them beg!" Sonya nodded in agreement with herself.  
  
"Now we know what we'd find in her closet," Frost said in a stage whisper, and Kitana cracked an imaginary whip.  
  
"Hey, why hasn't anyone ever used a whip in Mortal Kombat?" asked Jade. "I've seen spears, tonfas, grenades, swords, daggers, and battle axes, but no whips."  
  
"Don't forget razor edged hats," Kitana reminded her. "And fans and bos."  
  
"Yes, and guns and sais, and claws and teeth and tails and the occasional arcade machine, the point is there are no whips," Jade finished.  
  
"You forgot kali sticks," Sonya butted in.  
  
"Fine, and kali sticks. But NO WHIPS!" Jade huffed.  
  
"Well, we'll just have to change that for the next tournament," Kitana said with an evil grin.  
  
"When we see you both in matching leather outfits, we'll know what happened," Sonya declared. " Not that you don't wear matching outfits anyway."  
  
"Matching outfits?" Frost asked.  
  
"Yup. Those two and Mileena used to wear matching bodysuits, just in different colors," Sonya informed her.  
  
"Who's Mileena?"  
  
"Mileena was my evil mutant clone," Kitana said a little sadly.  
  
"Your what?" Frost was incredulous. "If I hadn't heard so many weird ass things before, I'd never believe you."  
  
"You missed quite a parade of losers from the earlier tournaments," Kitana commented. "You never met Ermac or Rain or Smoke or Tanya or Stryker or Nightwolf or Fujin. "  
  
"I recognize some of those an Lin Kuei, but who the hell is everyone else?" demanded Frost.  
  
"Let's see. Ermac and Rain were ninjas working for Kahn. Reiko was also working for Kahn, so far as we can tell. Tanya was a double agent. On our side were Stryker, the dorky cop, and Nightwolf, the historian. Oh, and Fujin is the God of Wind," Kitana rattled off.  
  
"Do you think Rayden is making the guys bond?" Sonya pondered aloud. "IF he dragged Jade into this, do you think he called the old guys?"  
  
"Why, who do you want to see again?" Frost prodded her.  
  
"No one! I am not interested in any of the losers in the tournament!" Sonya hissed. "I was just wondering."  
  
"I wonder what the guy are doing?"  
  
"Probably the same thing as us, getting drunk and arguing." Kitana theorized  
  
"We're not arguing!" protested Sonya.  
  
"We're disagreeing loudly, and occasionally violently," Frost explained.  
  
"My sincerest apologies," Kitana rolled her eyes. "In any case, they're probably sitting around talking about past tournaments. Or rating our asses."  
  
"Probably a little of both," corrected Jade.  
  
"So, who does have the nicest ass?" Sonya asked.  
  
"Out of the guys?" Jade asked.  
  
"Jax has a cute butt," Kitana said.  
  
"So does Kenshi," Sonya added, "And he can't tell if you're staring at it."  
  
"Jade looked thoughtful. "Would it be sacreligious for me to say Rayden has a nice ass?" The girls just stared at her. "Well, he does."  
  
"I'm going to take crap for this forever, but my sifu has the best ass," Frost declared. Sonya started cracking up. It's a bit distracting during training." By now all the girls were howling with laughter, and Frost couldn't help but join in.  
  
Rayden chose that moment to check up on his combatants, and looked immensely relieved to see them laughing rather than maiming each other as he had feared they would be. Jade, of course, made an exaggerated attempt at checking out his rear end, and Sonya would have sworn she was going to pee herself.  
  
"At least some of you are getting along," Rayden said. "Jax and Johnny have been at each other's throats all night, and Scorpion and Sub-Zero aren't behaving much better." He eyed the now empty case, and looked thoughtful. "I'm afraid if they have any alcohol, thing will get violent."  
  
"I'd pay to see the drunk free-for-all," Frost said excitedly.  
  
"Bo' Rai Cho would win," Kitana pointed out. "No one can hold liquor like that fat bastard."  
  
Rayden shook his head. "I'd rather not have any trips to the hospital. And please stop leering at me, its very disconcerting." Jade blushed slightly. "I must go and make sure there hasn't been any serious injuries incurred."  
  
After he had portalled out, there was a momentary lull. "Does this mean we can go home?" Frost asked quietly.  
  
"I think so," Sonya responded.  
  
There was a minute of silence. "You know, I actually had fun," Kitana admitted,  
  
"Me too. I don't get to have 'Girls Night In' at the Lin Kuei headquarters," Frost added.  
  
"That's not surprising. I wouldn't mind doing this again if it's wasn't in my apartment," said Sonya.  
  
"Party at the Edenian Palace?" Jade offered.  
  
"You're on." 


	2. The Guys' Turn

AN: Here's what happened on the guys' end of things. Yes, people are still horribly out of character, but what do you expect? One more chapter will be added to this "saga", telling of the aftermath.  
  
Johnny Cage groaned as he watched the muscles in Sub-Zero's back flex. He sincerely hoped that the ice ninja and Scorpion wouldn't actively try to kill each other. Not only had his apartment just been redecorated, but also he doubted his renter's insurance would cover dueling ninjas.  
  
Raiden chose his apartment for this little male bonding session because it was the largest. Still, it seemed rather small when creamed full of ninjas, monks, and other freaks of nature. Raiden had literally called upon every fighter on the side of "good" in past tournaments. Seated in Johnny's living room were the aforementioned Scorpion and Sub-Zero, Smoke, Cyrax, Kenshi, Kung Lao, Bo' Rai Cho, Mokap, Stryker, Nightwolf, Jax; even Fujin was there, grumbling in the corner.  
  
Currently Sub-Zero, Scorpion, Cyrax and Smoke were all arguing; Kung Lao, Kenshi and Bo' Rai Cho were debating the advantages of Outworld fighting styles; Nightwolf seemed to be meditating; Stryker and Mokap were animatedly discussing the World Series; Fujin was staring haughtily into space; and Jax was glaring menacingly at Johnny.  
  
Johnny had made the mistake of making a pointed comment about the presumed relationship between Jax and Sonya, which had gone over like a lead balloon. The same thing had happened when Scorpion accused Sub-Zero of sleeping with his pet student, Frost. In Johnny's opinion, the Lin Kuei master was protesting a little too hard, but he wasn't going to get into that mess.  
  
At least most of the others were being civil to each other, even if things were a little less than friendly. 'It really is like being back in high school,' Johnny mused to himself. The cliques, the nonsense chatter, the big guy who wanted to beat him up for making a pass at his girlfriend, it was all there.  
  
No one was the least bit surprised when Raiden portalled in a few minutes later. They were surprised, however, by the fact he had a case of beer under each arm. Before anyone could ask him about it, he announced," You female friends have convinced me that you need something to help loosen you up. But, I don't want to see any drunken brawling, even if the girls have considered taking bets."  
  
"Thirteen guys can't get drunk on two cases of beer," Mokap pointed out.  
  
"I'm sure you could manage to procure more, if you so desired," Raiden responded. With that he portalled back out, but not before Johnny heard him mutter, "I can't believe I'm doing this.  
  
Bo' Rai Cho had perked up immediately and was the first to grab a beer. The others followed suit, with the exceptions of Scorpion and Fujin, most likely because their states of being prevented them form being inebriated. Neither Cyrax nor Smoke were sure their cyborg forms would process alcohol, but there were damned if they weren't going to try.  
  
It wasn't' until his third beer that Johnny came up with what he later deemed hi worst idea ever. "We should play a game!" he declared.  
  
"A game?" Sub-Zero cocked an eyebrow. "I think we're a little too competitive for that."  
  
"No, no. it will be fun," Johnny insisted. "We just need more beer."\  
  
"More beer? What the hell are we playing," asked Jax.  
  
"Asshole!" Johnny cringed at the look Jax shot him. "Its the name of the game," he said quietly.  
  
"I haven't played that game in years!" Stryker said. "I usually won because I had the highest tolerance."  
  
"Somehow I don't think you can out drink Bo'" Mokap pointed out.  
  
Kung Lao looked confused. "How do you play?"  
  
"Its sorta like bullshit, but without the lying," Johnny explained. "Kung Lao as still confused. "It's a card game where-"  
  
"I'd liked to point out a logistical problem with me playing cards," Kenshi interrupted him.  
  
"Right, well we'll partner you up or something," Johnny dismissed him. "To make a long story short, you try to put down your cards first so you can be President. The last guy becomes the Asshole and has to do what everyone else says."  
  
After much cajoling, the rest of the group finally agreed to play and Stryker and Mokap were dispatched to the liquor store while Johnny rummaged for the card decks.  
  
Twenty rounds later, everyone was thoroughly sloshed, with the exception of the specter and the god. Johnny was near passing out because of an unfortunate period where Jax was the President and Johnny was reduced to Asshole. Stryker and Sub- Zero dominated the rest of the game. Although Bo' Rai Cho could out drink both of them combined, they were better card players.  
  
"I think we should stop now," Kung Lao slurred. While he hadn't fared as badly as Johnny, he had partnered up with the equally clueless Kenshi.  
  
Johnny agreed with that suggestion enthusiastically, but neither Bo' Rai Cho, Stryker or Jax wanted to call the game off while they weren't in the President's Seat. It was ten rounds later when almost no one could see their cards anymore that Scorpion, who had taken advantage of the fact everyone else was drunk off their asses, was declared the winner. Sub-Zero made a passing remark about cheating, but a well-placed elbow from Nightwolf shut him up.  
  
"So what do we do now," Mokap asked from his position half on and half off the chair.  
  
"Don't look at me," Johnny mumbled, "I came up with Asshole."  
  
"You're the host," Nightwolf pointed out.  
  
"Raiden's the host," Kung Lao argued. "Johnny just had the biggest apartment."  
  
"I'm bored," complained Kenshi, "Can we do something I can actually participate in?"  
  
"I bet the girls aren't having this sort of problem," Jax grumbled.  
  
"What, not getting along?" Sub-Zero spoke up. "Raiden's probably prying Sonya and Frost apart right now." After noticing the slightly dreamy look on several of his companions faces he amended, "Because they were fighting, you perverts."  
  
"Who do you think would win that fight?" Cyrax asked.  
  
"Who cares, as long as they let us watch!" answered Smoke.  
  
Kenshi grumbled something unintelligible, and Scorpion snorted in disgust. Fujin just rolled his eyes.  
  
"Out of all the fighters from all the tournaments, which cat fight would you most like to see," Johnny asked.  
  
"Definitely Sonya versus Frost," Jax said.  
  
"Kitana versus Mileena and possibly Jade," offered Stryker.  
  
"Have a little twin fantasy?" Mokap teased him.  
  
"I'd rather see Kitana versus Tanya. It ought to be pretty brutal," Sub-Zero said.  
  
"Frost versus Li Mei," Kung Lao spoke up next.  
  
Li Mei versus Nitara. It would be fun to see who pops out of their top first," Bo' Rai Cho said.  
  
"Was I the only one waiting for Li Mei's gold chain thing to break?" Johnny asked.  
  
"Who wasn't?" Jax asked.  
  
Stryker, Nightwolf and Kenshi raised their hands. "You would have if you couldn't have seen it," Cyrax said.  
  
"Can cyborgs have sex?" Kenshi asked suddenly.  
  
"What the hell kinda question is that?" Smoke asked him.  
  
"One you should answer," Nightwolf responded.  
  
"Well yeah, assuming your partner is to drunk to realize you're part robot," Smoke finally said.  
  
"How about specters?" Kung Lao asked.  
  
"Might I point out the whole skull/skeleton thing?" Scorpion answered  
  
sarcastically.  
  
"So that's why you're so pissy all the time," Sub-Zero teased him.  
  
"Yes, but on the other hand I'm not abusing my position of authority to take advantage of my student," Scorpion said.  
  
"We are not having sex," insisted Sub-Zero.  
  
"He's much too sensitive for that, they probably 'make love'," Smoke said.  
  
"Whose side are you on?"  
  
"Don't tell me you really aren't screwing her. Because if you aren't, you're officially the biggest idiot on the face of the planet," Smoke continued.  
  
"It may not be his choice, sometime guys his age just can't get it up," commented Scorpion.  
  
There were a few tense moments as the two rivals glared at each other, but luckily for Johnny's apartment, Sub-Zero was much too drunk to do anything besides growl and throw a cushion in Scorpion's general direction. Unfortunately, it missed and knocked a lamp, several cans and a bowl of M & M's off the table and onto Kenshi, who was sitting below. Kenshi used his telekinetic powers to fling the candies back at Sub- Zero, but the splatter zone included all three Lin Kuei. The M & M throwing immediately escalated into a full-fledged assault, with candy flying everywhere. (Johnny would later find them crushed into the most improbable of places, but that's a tale for another time.) The flight ended when Nightwolf flicked one directly into Mokap's eye, prompting Johnny to quit, "Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye."  
  
"Then it becomes a quest of vengeance," Kenshi sighed.  
  
"Hey, the bastard's dead, ain't he?" Jax said. "What else can you do?"  
  
"Vengeance is rarely worth it, anyhow," Scorpion offered.  
  
"Especially when its against the wrong person," said Sub-Zero.  
  
"I said I was sorry," huffed Scorpion, "And I didn't actually kill you."  
  
"That just makes everything sooooooooo much better," Sub-Zero rolled his eyes.  
  
"If only that excuse worked all the time," Kenshi commented.  
  
"I thought he had killed my family," Scorpion protested.  
  
"You trusted Quan Chi! That rates a ten on the stupidity scale," came the rebuttal from Sub-Zero.  
  
"Well its over now, anyway," said Scorpion.  
  
Sub-Zero grumbled something that sounded a lot like 'yeah right', but the matter was dropped.  
  
"What do we do now?" Mokap asked.  
  
"I don't know, but it should definitely be something noncompetitive," Nightwolf suggested.  
  
"Because Heaven forbid we do something the blind person would like to do!" complained Kenshi.  
  
"Fine, what do you want to do?" Cyrax asked.  
  
"I dunno," was the reply.  
  
"How bout, 'I've Never'" said Mokap.  
  
"No, that requires more alcohol. What about a game of Truth?" Stryker grinned evilly.  
  
"Truth or Dare?" asked Jax.  
"No, in Truth everyone gets asked one question and they have to answer it truthfully or face the consequences," Stryker explained.  
  
"What are the consequences?"  
  
"Depends, but its usually something brutal."  
  
Johnny would have sworn the ninjas were all grinning under their masks. Even Fujin seemed to be interested. "I have a feeling we're going to regret this later, but let's lay down some ground rules. Numbero uno, you don't answer a question, you don't get to ask one. Number two, if you are found to be lying.um."  
  
"You get stripped naked and dropped off in the red light district," finished Cyrax.  
  
"Good one!" Smoke high-fived him.  
  
Fine, number three, if you refuse to answer a question." Johnny continued.  
  
"You have to go on a panty raid to Sonya's apartment," decided Jax.  
  
"That is brutal," Mokap said.  
  
"Alright, any questions?" asked Johnny. "Who's gonna start?"  
  
"Let Fujin go, he hasn't done anything all night," suggested Nightwolf.  
  
Fujin thought for a bit, then asked Cyrax, "What sort of 'inappropriate' male bonding went on during your training in the Lin Kuei?"  
  
Scorpion coughed, but Cyrax ignored him and said, "There was absolutely nothing inappropriate going on."  
  
"Bullshit!" Smoke said at once. "It was just like any fraternity house."  
  
"Where the hell did you live? We all went to sleep in out own beds," Cyrax sounded indignant.  
  
"You remember the time you fell asleep first and Torch colored your dick with a permanent marker?" Smoke asked Sub-Zero.  
  
"How could I forget, it was like that for a week?" Sub-Zero smiled wryly.  
  
Cyrax looked as horrified as was possible for a cyborg and quickly tried to change the topic. "So Jax, have you and Sonya ever hooked up?"  
  
"We did once, but we were both very drunk," Jax admitted.  
  
"I knew it!" announced Johnny.  
  
"Alright, smart ass, why do your movies suck so hard?" Jax asked.  
  
"They don't suck!"  
  
"Yes they do!" was the unanimous reply.  
  
"And you haven't answered the question," added Jax.  
  
"I can't answer that!" Johnny protested.  
  
"That's too bad, because one of the girls is sure to catch you at Sonya's apartment," Mokap pointed out.  
  
"You are so next," Johnny warned him. "Fine, my movies suck because they - uh-"  
  
"Have you in them?" offered Cyrax.  
  
"Because they're self-serving pieces of crap written solely to make a profit without regard to style or originality?" Mokap added.  
  
"Actually, I was going to say 'because the motion capture sucks'," Johnny retorted. "So why haven't you starred in any movies?"  
  
"Because I respect my integrity as an actor," Mokap said smartly. "And because I don't have the looks for it."  
  
"Neither does Fly Boy," Jax assumed him, ignoring Johnny flipping the bird.  
  
"Kenshi, have you ever used the whole blind thing to gain sympathy from women?" Mokap wanted to know.  
  
"Wouldn't you?" answered Kenshi. "Its also useful for accidentally groping women."  
  
"That's horrible," Stryker said. "I've got to try that."  
  
"So Bo, what's the worst refusal a woman has ever given you?"  
  
"Hmmmmm.. Probably, 'I wouldn't sleep with you if my choice was that or having my eyes carved out with a rusty spoon," Bo' Rai Cho said. "I've gotten a few gems over the years."  
  
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Smoke stage whispered.  
  
"Really, and when was the last time you slept with a woman?"  
  
"Shit, it had to be before the third tournament. About ten years ago, I think."  
  
"Ten years," Stryker looked dumbfounded. "And I thought I had it bad."  
  
"Speaking of you, what the hell happened to you in the third tournament?" Smoke asked.  
  
"Motaru," was the simple reply.  
  
"Motaru? You had a nightstick, a gun, and impact grenades!" Kung Lao  
  
exclaimed.  
  
"And Motaru had an armor plated stomach, which I found out the hard way. He tail whipped me into the path of an incoming subway train. Frankly, I'm not sure how or why I survived that," Stryker looked thoughtful. "Then again, people in this tournament rarely die and stay dead."  
  
Sonya and I have a running bet on how long it will take Liu to be resurrected," Jax told him.  
  
"That's horrible!" protested Kung Lao.  
  
"Can I join?" Bo' Rai Cho asked.  
  
"Anyway.. Sub-Zero, how do you keep lil' Subbie from making an appearance when you wear those tights?" Stryker asked.  
  
"Why are you so interested in his dick?" Johnny asked.  
  
"I have enough trouble camouflaging when I'm wearing pants, I was just curious what you would do with something tighter. All the other ninjas have those little skirts, but Sub-Zero didn't," Stryker tried to explain.  
  
"They're sashes, not skirts," said Smoke.  
  
"You don't have to be ashamed, transvestites are accepted by most of society now," Sub Zero chided Smoke. "And to answer your question, I have a Prince Albert." There was complete silence as the group stared at him with a mix of horrified and confused faces.  
  
"I give up," Kung Lao said, "What's a Prince Albert?"  
  
"Well, they take a ring and insert it into your- " he was interrupted by the most of the room groaning and looking at him like he'd gone completely mad.  
  
"Let me guess, you hook your piercing into something in your tights," Kung Lao said.  
  
"Bingo."  
  
"I'd walk around with it hanging completely out of my pants before I'd let someone get near me with a needle," Mokap declared.  
  
"Hey, 'chicks dig it' as they say," Sub-Zero told him.  
  
"Does Frost?" inquired Scorpion.  
  
"Will you just let that go?" Sub-Zero was exasperated. "Fine, How did you die?"  
  
"You know damn well how I died!" Scorpion argued.  
  
"Tell them," Sub-Zero indicated the rest of the group.  
  
"Fine, I was killed by Sub-Zero. Not this one though."  
  
"It took him three attempts to get revenge, and it turns out Quan Chi was using him all along," Sub-Zero added.  
  
"Shut up!" growled Scorpion. "Kung Lao, what's with the hat?"  
  
"What do you mean? You've seen me use it in a fight?" the monk was confused again.  
  
"But why a hat?"  
  
"Because I like hats. And I particularly like this one," he clutched his hat protectively.  
  
"That's just freakin' weird, just to let you know," Stryker informed him.  
  
"Who's left?" asked Johnny.  
  
"Nightwolf and Fujin," Smoke answered.  
  
Kung Lao shrugged, "I don't' have anything interesting to ask."  
  
"Ooooh, I do!" Kenshi said. "What's the meanest thing you've ever done to a mortal, Fujin?"  
  
"I don't know. Raiden's the one who spends the most time down here. I guess it would have to be sucking a few truly obnoxious ones into a tornado. I let them go about one mile up," Fujin smirked slightly.  
  
"I thought you'd be more creative that that," said Kenshi.  
  
Everyone looked at Nightwolf, who calmly stared back at them. "Go ahead and say it," he urged them. "I'm boring."  
  
"Yes, you are," Jax agreed.  
  
"Well shit, now what do we do?" Johnny asked.  
  
"Where's Raiden? Maybe we can call it a night," suggested Nightwolf.  
  
"We can go have that panty raid!" Cyrax said.  
  
Smoke was completely against the idea. "I'd rather not have one of the girls lodge my testicles in my anus, than you."  
  
"I'm too tired to do anything," whined Stryker. "My shift starts in two hours, and I'm going to be so hung-over."  
  
"Morning exercises are going to suck today," moaned Sub-Zero.  
  
"Everything is going to suck today," Jax corrected.  
  
"You know, we should really do this again some other time," said Kung Lao.  
  
"So long as it's not in my apartment," agreed Johnny.  
  
"There's plenty of room in the Lin Kuei headquarters," Sub-Zero offered. "And plenty of novices to make clean up the mess."  
  
"Sounds good to me," Kenshi spoke from the floor, "As long as you promise to keep the temperature of freezing."  
  
"You do realize the location of Headquarters is supposed to be secret," Smoke teased.  
  
"Its not like I'm throwing an open house kegger," Sub-Zero argued. "As long as Scorpion promises not to blow the peace up, we're good."  
  
***  
  
Johnny wasn't sure how the conversation ended because it was right about then that he passed out. It was three in the afternoon when he awoke to fine "Loser" written on his forehead (Jax's doing), the toilet cling wrapped, all his boxers in the freezer, and candy-coated chocolates mashed into his formerly brand new couch. To top it all off, Raiden was helping himself to the last of the coffee in the coffee maker.  
  
"Did you boys have fun last night?" Raiden asked.  
  
"Depends on your definition of fun."  
  
"At least no one died," Raiden looked quite relieved at that thought.  
  
"My couch did."  
  
"You mortals and your obsession with worldly passions," Raiden shook his head dramatically.  
  
"I'd better be reimbursed for that, Sparky."  
  
"Of course, but call me Sparky again and your couch won't be the only thing that needs replacing." 


	3. The Epilogue

Author's Note: Just a little epilogue….  
  
***  
  
Somewhere within the Edenian palace, Queen Sindel and Rain lay in bed smoking a cigarette.   
  
"You ever get feeling you've forgotten to do something important?" Sindel asked.  
  
"You too? I swear I was supposed to have gone somewhere today," Raid stared thoughtfully up at the   
  
ceiling.  
  
"I guess we'll figure it out tomorrow, right?"  
  
***  
  
The next morning Sindel found her very hungover daughter and her very hungover friend facedown on   
  
the table at breakfast. "What happened to you two?" she asked.  
  
"You remember the 'bonding session' you were supposed to have with us?" Kitana said.  
  
"Damn, that's what I was supposed to do," her mother grumbled.  
  
"Be glad you didn't remember, there's something a bit perverted about getting drunk with your mother   
  
and talking about sex anyhow," continued Kitana.  
  
"Exactly what kind of 'bonding' was going on?" Sindel was a bit intrigued now.  
  
"The kind that can only go on over a few beers and busting some poor guys balls," replied Jade. "I don't   
  
think they'll ever go on a panty raid again."  
  
"Never mind," Sindel shook her head. "I don't think I want to know."  
  
***  
  
"So what did you guys do, anyway?" Kai asked Kung Lao as they prepared for morning exercises.  
  
"Just the usual male-bonding; got a little drunk, did some really stupid things," Kung Lao replied   
  
groggily. "I still can't believe you didn't' come with us."  
  
"I was 'guarding the fort' so to speak," said Kai.  
  
"Because the place isn't teeming with highly trained martial artists or anything," Lao didn't seem to find   
  
Kai's excuse valid. "Where's Bo' Rai Cho?"  
  
"How would I know? He was with you last night," Kai told him.  
  
"It's not like he'd have a hangover," Kung Lao was a bit puzzled. "Then again, I don't remember him   
  
coming home with me."  
  
***  
  
As she popped two more Tylenol, Sonya sincerely hoped she wasn't going to accidentally overdose.   
  
"Toss me the bottle," Jax said weakly. "I can't believe I drank that much when I had to go to work the next   
  
day."   
  
  
  
"At least we're not in the middle of a delicate operation," Kenshi pointed out.  
  
"At least we're not in the hospital," Cyrax said with a pointed look at Sonya.  
  
"He was asking for it!" Sonya protested.  
  
***  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere in the red light district of LA…  
  
  
  
"Do you have any idea how to get back to the apartment yet?" Nightwolf asked Bo' Rai Cho.  
  
"No, but that's no necessarily a bad thing," Bo' answered.  
  
***  
  
Mokap squinted as Stryker pushed the wheelchair through the automatic doors and out into the sun.   
  
"Thanks for staying with me," he told the cop as they left the hospital.   
  
"No problem, besides, how else was I going to tell the whole story to my drinking buddies?" Stryker   
  
answered with a smirk.  
  
"It's not funny!" Mokap hissed. "I'm not going to be able to work for a month."  
  
"Dude, you're the first guy in medical history to have his balls lodged up his ass," Stryker said. "I didn't   
  
ever think that was physically possible. Think of all the medical journals you'll be in."   
  
"Shut up! How was I supposed to know she would go for my balls? I thought only Johnny did that,"   
  
Mokap shifted in his seat. "Damnit, these bandages are bothering me already."  
  
***  
  
Somewhere in the Nether Realm, Sareena was going on and on about how great the Sub-Zeros were. And   
  
if you heard about your nemesis non-stop, well, you'd be a bit bored and cranky too. Consequently, he   
  
allowed his mind to wander in an attempt to keep from bludgeoning the female demon to death, or whatever   
  
state of being the denizens of the dark realm went to.  
  
  
  
"Are you listening to a word I'm saying?" Sareena demanded.  
  
"No," Scorpion answered truthfully. "If it doesn't have to do with how we're going to make Quan Chi   
  
suffer, I don't' give a rat's ass about whatever nonsense is coming out of your mouth."  
  
"What if I said something important while you were staring off into space?" said the indignant she-  
  
demon.  
  
"Comparing the Lin Kuei's competence in bed does not rate as important," Scorpion informed her.  
  
"And what were you thinking about that was so important?" huffed Sareena.  
  
"I think I should have my own television show," said the ninja specter.   
  
"I thought you said you couldn't get drunk," Sareena interrupted.  
  
"I'm not drunk! I think it would be a great idea."  
  
"Oh yes," Sareena said sarcastically. "I can see it now…. 'Cooking With Scorpion'. Just like that Emeril   
  
guy."  
  
***  
  
At first, Frost was convinced she was hallucinating, but a second examination confirmed that her sifu and   
  
his second in command were indeed hauling a keg across the practice hall. Judging by the pile of containers   
  
forming in the hallway, they had probably been at this activity for a while. Curiosity finally got the best of   
  
her and the young ninja spoke, "What on Earth are you doing?"   
  
  
  
Sub-Zero barely even glanced at her, "We're unloading kegs," he said brusquely.  
  
"Why?" Frost asked as they dropped off their cargo and went for another one.  
  
"Are you going to stand there and ask stupid questions or are you going to help us?" Sub-Zero was   
  
definitely in an uncharacteristically bad mood, and it was quite clear what the correct answer was.   
  
  
  
By the time Sub-Zero finally allowed her to take a break, Frost was sure she had transported enough beer   
  
to get the entire clan drunk. She decided to risk another question, "Who do you plan on serving all this   
  
beer to? You've got enough here to supply New Orleans during Mardi Gras season."  
  
"Bo' Rai Cho," the two masters replied simultaneously.  
  
"Well that ought to last him a few hours. Why is he coming here?" Frost persisted.  
  
"If we had asked Master Li this many questions as a leaner her would have loosened a few of our teeth,"   
  
Smoke said pointedly to Sub-Zero.  
  
"Master Li also had you turned into a soulless robot and programmed you to kill me," Sub-Zero returned.  
  
"You missed the point."  
  
"No, I didn't. I was trying to say I generally avoid that sadistic bastard's method of teching."  
  
"And look how well that worked!"  
  
"I prefer to think of that as a minor set-back caused by a phenomenal lack of judgement on the part of the   
  
student."  
  
"Hey! It could have worked!" Frost butted in.  
  
Sub-Zero laughed sardonically. "If I truly considered you that big a threat, I would have pounded some   
  
lessons in humility into you the old fashioned way."   
  
Smoke snorted at that.  
  
"Is everything a double entendre to you?" Sub-Zero sighed.  
  
"And don't you think he's a little too old for me?" Frost asked.  
  
"What do you mean, 'too old'?" Sub-Zero was quite indignant.  
  
"You know, you're not exactly a spring chicken." Frost said weakly, hoping she wasn't digging herself a   
  
hole she couldn't get out of.   
  
Luckily for Frost, it was Smoke's snickering that was really pissing off the Lin Kuei master. "What are   
  
you laughing at, Gramps?" Sub-Zero asked him. "You're older than I am!"  
  
"Only by a few months, and it doesn't matter since I'm not the one fu-"  
  
"We're not having sex!" the two ice ninjas insisted.  
  
"Whatever. You're old, get over it," Smoke dismissed them. "Now, if you two don't mind, I'm going to   
  
go take some aspirin and try to have a "horizontal meditation" session until this wears off." With that, he   
  
spun on one heel and made for the exit.  
  
He was barely out of the room when the sifu turned to his student, "Too old for you?"  
  
"I had to think of something, he was on to us!" Frost suppressed a smirk, "I hadn't realized I was going   
  
to hit a nerve."  
  
"Hmph!" Sub-Zero attempted to look insulted.  
  
"Oh, you know I love you even though you're old and grey and grumpy."  
  
Sub-Zero just laughed at that and led her off for a "horizontal meditation" session of their own. 


End file.
